i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I got inside last night via doggy door
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
