i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
