i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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