morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Randomize
