My nipple is on Facebook.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
