how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize