and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
