I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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