you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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