I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
