I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
