I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
