Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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