Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
