@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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