Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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