so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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