I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
