positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
