Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Did I show you my penis last night?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
