im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
