The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Randomize
