Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
