I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize