Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
