my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
