She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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