i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Less talking, more tequila
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize