Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
