she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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