We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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