i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
