glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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