a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
