he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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