apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
