her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
please don't ironically join a cult
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