you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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