nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
