I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
