Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
The convent might be a nice break from real life
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
