he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
