I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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