You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
