the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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