I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
