Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
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