He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
