either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
