This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
