Only a mothe r could love this liver
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
