shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize