There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
