These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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