it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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