my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Randomize
