Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
