cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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